How To: Get A Date On Valentine’s Day
If It’s This Easy, Why Wouldn’t You?
This article is intended for all those who are hyper-adventurous, a little crazy, and have no idea where they might be on any particular holiday. So much so that you may even forget that Valentine’s Day is even happening. Upon realizing what day it is you are subsequently blindsided by the notion that whatever your next meal is…you will be eating it alone. On Valentine’s Day. The warm bologna and cheese sandwich you had in the trunk that used to sound pretty good, looks a lot dimmer.
No need to fear, there is a simple and easy solution to your problem. With this one simple trick, you can find yourself in a city’s local brewery, sharing poutine and spicy wings with a new-found friend. This method has been tested, in real life, and I can guarantee its 100% success rate. One out of one times it works every time.
In order for it to work, you just have to follow each step exactly as dictated. It is a bit of a process but you just have to trust the system. So trust the system.
Step #1: Forget that it is Valentine’s day.
This is the hardest part, because you have to completely erase the thought from your mind. If you are thinking about it, even a little bit, then you cannot fulfill your quest of finding a date for dinner later. You may be thinking about calling your Mom. Don’t do this, that’s too much talk of Valentine’s Day and missing your parents. The best way to forget is to get up at sunrise and walk around outside in the cold after a three hour, car-camping extravaganza. Make sure to be really tired and semi-unconscious as you continue to make decisions the rest of the day.
Step #2: Find a National Park for a full day of hiking.
What better way to prep your stomach for a big meal, than to hike off a million calories? I highly recommend Arches National Park in Utah, the Devil’s Garden Route specifically. Do the full loop and then lose your knife at the top and double back for more body-beating and brain-distracting fun. Choice of park is also paramount because you want to spend the day alone, mostly void of any and all human contact. It lessens the chances that you will realize you’re already alone on Valentine’s day and you can actually enjoy most of it.
Step #3: Lower your standards.
Don’t eat breakfast, and pack a slightly less-than-exciting lunch. These things can include slightly stale bread, meat and cheese you found dumpster diving. Also to make it go down easier I would suggest having some honey-mustard salad dressing to put on it. For one last sexy snack throw in a slightly mushy banana. By the time you’ve spent your day eating these foods, you will feel like you deserve a nice meal even though you don’t know why. You may even need help finding a better place to eat. (Hint hint, wink wink)
Step #4: Final Crazy Decision.
Make one last, crazy decision you’re not sure you should do. Something that both pushes your body to it’s limits and involves a sunset. The ideal choice obviously being to hike one and a half miles uphill to Delicate Arch, because the short route will undoubtedly be flooded. You should be tired enough to question your decision, tired enough you may be falling asleep both driving to the trailhead and whilst actually walking up it. By exploring these new boundaries you give yourself permission to be open to unexpected opportunities.
Step #5: Situational awareness.
You should now find yourself in the perfect romantic spot, with the most gorgeous earthly colors you can imagine in every direction. Beauty surrounds you, both in the landscape and the crowd that has gathered. Do not try to do too much with this moment, you are already over stimulated; trying too hard here will void all your efforts. You are now reaching the right state…to meet your date. Simply allow your euphoric state to wash away with the setting sun, and turn to your left to see the cute girl (or guy) who was just 45 seconds too late and is trying to get a last minute photo. You’ll know her (or him) when you see her (or him) because they won’t pay any attention to you but you will definitely want to talk to them.
Step #6: Make contact.
You may be tempted to try something brilliant and witty. Wrong. Walk away. Get a head start down the trail towards the parking lot. Walk slowly and take lots of stupid pictures you will never look at again to allow them to catch up to you, so that you do not seem too forward. Spend some time running conversation and all possible responses through your head. Or rather use this Pro Tip and gain extra minutes of conversation instead of mentally stumbling for words. This four-sentence dialogue has never failed me in the one time I’ve tried to use it.
(Girl catches up after half a mile of you playing it cool, awkwardly hearing her footsteps slowly catch up behind you.)
You: “Hey…you from around here?”
Them: “Hi. No.
But I’ve been in town all week.”
You: “Nice. Well would you have a recommendation for a good place to eat?”
Them: “No, I don’t. But I’ll have dinner with you.”
Step #7: You’re done with the fucking steps! Go out and eat with your beautiful date, but don’t realize it’s Valentine’s Day and you were both going to be lonely losers until after you start talking about it and realizing you were both single and totally ok with doing your own thing until it miraculously all worked out.
Serendipity strikes again.
I’d love to hear what your best Valentine’s stories are. Chance encounters, happenstance meet-ups, plans that went awry in a post-traumatic comical kind of way. Leave a comment and we’ll laugh together.